. “Intelligent Falling” and other stories.
Top science news from the Onion.
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory
KANSAS CITY, KS — As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held “theory of gravity” is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling. Keep reading →
Rogue Scientist Has Own Scientific Method
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Only months after abandoning a tenured position at Lehigh University, maverick chemist Theodore Hapner managed to disprove two of the three laws of thermodynamics and show that gold is a noxious gas, turning the world of science – defined for centuries by exhaustive research, painstaking observation, and hard-won theories – completely on its head. Keep reading →
I’m Very Interested In Hearing Some Half-Baked Theories
As an ill-informed pseudo-intellectual with a particular interest in the unverifiable, I’m always on the lookout for some partially thought out misinformation. Keep reading →
Expert On Anteaters Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment.
Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything
BATAVIA, IL — Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory physicist Laird Karmann, a noted string theorist and accused philanderer, said Monday that he can “explain everything” if his wife Elizabeth will just give him a chance. Keep reading →
Mad Scientist’s Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
UPTON, ME — In response to recent budget cuts, the National Science Foundation has reduced grants to individual recipients, including those of megalomaniacal researcher Dr. Edward Mortis of Brookhaven Laboratories. Keep reading →
Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness
NEW YORK — Millions of eyewitnesses watched in stunned horror Tuesday as light emptied from the sky, plunging the U.S. and neighboring countries into darkness. As the hours progressed, conditions only worsened. Keep reading →
Factual Error Found On Internet
LONGMONT, CO — The Information Age was dealt a stunning blow Monday, when a factual error was discovered on the Internet. Keep reading →
National Science Foundation: Science Hard
INDIANAPOLIS — The National Science Foundation’s annual symposium concluded Monday, with the 1,500 scientists in attendance reaching the consensus that science is hard. Keep reading →
Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing
WASHINGTON, DC — Top physicists from several major American universities appeared before a Congressional committee Monday to request $50 billion for a science thing that would further U.S. advancement science-wise and broaden human knowing. Keep reading →
Mean Automakers Dash Nation’s Hope For Flying Cars
Onion News Network anchor Brandon Armstrong argues passionately for the existence of flying cars.
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